Dear Adeline,

Tomorrow you will be a year old. I have loved being your Mama every single day. Your sweet smiles and your belly laughs, your head full of soft duckling fuzz and your crooked little wiggly toes! Your first Mowgli crawl, first time splashing in the bath and the day you swung your little body around in a field of daisies to sit up for the first time. Even on the hard days and the sick days, the nights with no sleep, the little frustrations... through all of it, I have loved being your Mama.

Photo by Aimee Pool Photography

 When they placed you on my chest, I was in awe. Shocked by you.You were so tiny and perfect. I kissed your forehead. I rubbed your little red back. I could barely speak. You lay on my chest, listening to my heart beat. I felt your small breaths, in and out, in and out with each wail. So new to the world. You blinked your little eyes up at me, taking it all in. Sweet girl, you've been alert from the very first moment.


You are spunky and FUNNY! So curious and quick. You clap your hands and laugh, you reach your little hand out to share your bites of food and are so thoughtful. You light up around others. You love to be around other babies and are so gentle and kind. You are loving and good. I want you to know that. You are a worthwhile person.

Photo by Aimee Pool Photography

Photo by Jaymie Moore Photography

I don't know what you will do with your life. I don't care if you are a doctor or a teacher, a carpenter, an artist or a cook. I don't care if you help the entire world or just a lady down the road so long as the world is just a little bit better because you are in it. And it already is, Adeline! You have brought our whole family closer than ever before.

Photo by Aimee Pool Photography

There is only one thing that I really hope for you. Today while we were at the library, you picked out two crayons from the basket. You held one in each hand, looked at them both and then wildly scribbled all over the paper, blue and red. Outside the lines, girlfriend. You were so friggin' happy; this huge smile lit across your face, those little eyes dancing. I want you to find joy, Adeline. In the big things. In the small things. Within yourself, in others, wherever you can, find joy.

Photo by Jaymie Moore Photography

Catch it with your arms open wide. And maybe someday, on a day filled with joy, you will be in a room somewhere and a tiny breath of heaven will land on your chest. In that second, maybe you will know. That unconditional love.


The kind I have for you.

Your Mama

~~~

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth." Khalil Gibran

~~~

Dear Adeline, 
It is New Years Day and we just came back from a gorgeous hike to Andrew Molera beach and to the Point Sur Lighthouse with friends. You loved playing the the grass with your sweet baby friend, licking the wind and lying in Mama's arms to look up at the crystal prisms in the lighthouse where the Fresnel lens used to be. You love light & shadows. You expressive brows show your entire thought process on that little face of yours. Like this:

"Stairs!?! Papa!!!!"

We had a great Christmas this year. Some traditions happened by accident, and some we thought would be interesting to try. We didn't grow up with a whole lot of traditions, but we knew we wanted to start a few for our little family. It was really important to both of us for the holidays to feel full of light and cheer. With you around, it's easy. What we found at the end of it all is that after being with our family, all the rest is just sweet sweet icing on the cake. Here are a few traditions we will be continuing next year along with a few that we "tried on" that just didn't fit.

Traditions to Try Again:

Attending a Tree Lighting Ceremony: This year we went to the one in Pacific Grove at the park across from the Natural History Museum. It was held the first week of December and it really set off the holiday season. We dressed you up in your warm Patagonia synchilla full body suit and tiny knit reindeer hat with the red Rudolph nose because it was so cold out. We watched the PG Middle School Choir sing Christmas carols and then sat on a bench holding you in our arms while the town counted down. 5---4---3---2---1--- you were so mesmerized by the lights. Afterward, Papa and I warmed up with some apple cider and cookies at Chautauqua Hall while watching kids wait to meet Santa, do circle dances and a few play holiday piano songs for the rest of the attendees. I don't think it really matters which tree lighting we attend in the area so long as we go in early in the season. Whichever day you are up for it will be the one we will go to!



Making Christmas Ornaments: Papa and I bought a few ornaments for the tree this year, but really wanted to try to make our own so that we could fill up the holes on the cheap. (A Charlie Brown Christmas tree looks way better dressed to the nines.) So one night we went out to the craft store seeking some inspiration and came back with the idea and supplies for glitter ornaments. Awww yeah. We spent a really fun evening listening to Christmas music and making our ornaments together. They ended up looking rad!

Final Product: Way f*in cooler than I pictured... We used "Glitter It" (google it) which was simple, quick to clean up and fun.

I also made a few "Winter Wonderland" ornaments with tiny model trees and fake snow using a glue gun and tweezers. A couple of them looked great but then I got cocky and decided to try to get a plastic reindeer in there too. But the whole reindeer wouldn't fit, so I thought it would be a good idea to cut the reindeer's head off and hot glue it inside the ornament. I thought it would look like the reindeer was emerging from a peaceful snow drift.  It looked absolutely horrific. Kind of like a severed reindeer carcass massacred on an icy tundra. Thankfully my neighbor fell in love with it so I pawned it off on her as a Christmas gift! Hah! I'm so excited to make ornaments with you next year Liney! But no reindeer massacres next year. I think we might try stamped salt dough ornaments. Good for little hands.

The ornament I made for you with your hospital hat inside. I knew I would find a way to use that tiny "preview" birth announcement they sent me!!!

Christmas Morning Tree. We had lights that switched back and forth from colored to white. The awesomeness of this was not lost on you.

Candy Cane Lane!!!!!: Candy Cane Lane is a neighborhood that gets decked out for Christmas every year. This year, we went walking around with Grandma Janet, Papa & the Aunties. We also accidentally cut in front of an entire line of patiently waiting people to take a family picture in a sleigh. There is nothing like awkward hostility during the holidays!!! This video speaks for itself I think. Even if we just do a drive-through next year, a visit to Candy Cane Lane will be worth it.

Christmas Eve Crab Dinner: Papa and I made a delicious crab dinner this year, after wondering for days what we were going to eat for the holidays. At first I was thinking we would try a raclette & potato dinner (a la francais) because that is what a girlfriend and her husband do for the holidays and I thought it sounded lovely. But then I realized I'd never done raclette and we don't have a cast-iron yet because I've been choosy about the one that I want. Also, I didn't want to end up with something I'd never cooked and a bunch of stress on Christmas Eve. So, we took a chance on 3 juicy crab legs, Papa worked his magic on garlic mashed potatoes and we set out some drawn butter. I don't think we've had a better dinner since. It was so magical with the tree lit up, Christmas music blasting and you sound asleep in your snuggly Christmas jammies.
 

Reading Twas The Night Before Christmas, Opening a Present on Christmas Eve, Christmas Jammies & String to the Grand Finale
Some of the best things we did on Christmas were kind of random. Papa had Christmas Eve off, so we decided to open one present each that night. It made the whole Christmas experience seem a little longer and more exciting. We'll definitely do that next year. I happened to buy new pajamas for Papa & I that were red, so we wore those and put you in your sweet little Santa jammies. You wore them a bunch during the season. It felt really festive & I think that's a fun way to start off December. We opened present Christmas morning (one for baby, then one for Mama, then one for Papa) and a string was tied to the tree, which we all followed to the biggest *grand finale* present. This year, it was Papa's PS4. Papa almost had a freak out when he saw it outside on the front deck!!!

So intent...

Wrapping paper thief!!!

This face. Also known as: the reason for the season.

Me decorating you amongst "the wreckage" as Papa called it.

We followed the string outside to find this little gem. I'm pretty sure he would have believed me if I said unicorns were real at this point, he was so damn giddy

 Elf-on-the-Shelf: I saw this a couple years ago and thought it would be fun to try "one day" when I had kids. Apparently that day is now. Elf was fun (mostly with me trying to "out weird" Papa in the places we hid the elf. I have serious reservations about how we'll make it work for the long haul though. I don't think we'll be able to follow the box instructions to a T. Maybe we'll keep the spirit of the elf, but ditch the book so you're not super confused when we can't remember where the elf has or hasn't been yet. It was pretty poorly written book in my opinion anyway. It seems like a pretty weird way to try to keep kids compliant... "BE GOOD OR SNARKLE THE ELF WILL SNITCH TO SANTA, OK?" Nope. Not my style of parenting. But don't quote me on that, haha. There was a good four or five day stretch where he just sat up in the same spot. Poor dude's crotch was probably burning from sitting on our track lights for that long!!!! I'm not sure how  he'll make an appearance in our home next year, but he'll definitely be around.

Francisco the Elf.

 Which leads me to the:

Never Again Traditions

6) Making Christmas Cookies on Christmas Eve & Hot Cocoa from Scratch on Christmas Day---
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I'm not really sure why I decided I needed to bake on Christmas Eve AFTER I put together a crab dinner, but I felt like I *needed* to have a letter to Santa and cookies out from a 6-month old who was already asleep, doesn't know the meaning of Christmas and doesn't know a cookie from a coaster. Yup. Super sane. But I guess every holiday needs a little insanity. So there I was, fingers covered in cookie dough, burning one batch while I checked on the babe. Thankfully another batch turned out well, so it wasn't completely in vain. I think next year I'll bake cookies with Adeline a few days before Christmas, and then just help her set out our pre-baked cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve.  SIMPLIFY SIMPLIFY SIMPLIFY Much saner.  Pathetically, I reprised the chicken-with-my-head-cut-off routine on Christmas morning in order to make Tal  & I from scratch hot-cocoa before we opened presents. We were all ready to start opening, but I had the crazy idea that we needed cocoa first so I made him wait while I "whipped it up". (It took a good 15 mins.) I'll definitely mix some up beforehand and just have it on hand to warm up for the day. It was fun to sip on cocoa while opening presents, but definitely not at the expense of my sanity or patiently waiting husband.

This photo even looks crazy! On the plus side, they were crazy delicious.

 So, my sweet one, that was your first holiday in a nutshell. Some beauty, a dash of crazy, but a whole, whole lot of love. It felt so good to wake up Christmas morning with you and Papa, a tree with some presents underneath and just our little family. So, so good and right. You had so much fun ripping up and trying to eat the wrapping paper. Your favorite "present" was the redwood branch attached to one of my presents from Papa. Hahaha! You also got a stuffed animal rat from our wonderful next door neighbors and friends that you have loved on ever since. We are so blessed.

I love you my rizzy Rat. Thanks for being a part of my best Christmas ever!

Love,
Mama

Dear Claire,
It is hard for me to begin this letter because I had such hopes of meeting you soon. I have also had reservations about writing a blog post about you, because in some ways I have felt it is not my loss to write about. But then I remember that you knew me through this space and so in many ways it seems fitting that I acknowledge the loss we feel in your passing. Peg printed my past two blog posts and your caregivers read them to you. I can't say how happy that makes me. I am so grateful to Peg and your caregivers that I was able to tell you all about Adeline in this way.

I was so excited to meet you. To share things and learn from you. But mostly just to know who you are. One of the most important women in my husband's life. It takes a very special person to be loved so much by so many. I wanted to thank you for all the ways you've loved and supported Talmon and helped to shape him into the man that he is. He is wonderful, you know.

There have been so many emotions in the Owens house this past week. The night I got the news that you passed, Talmon called me. He was completely broken up and trying to make sense of it all. How could this happen three weeks before our trip to see you? It didn't seem fair. But the loss was deeper than that for him. He watched the sun set in Big Sur and I know that brought a little peace to his heart. When he called me at home and gave me the news, I was putting Adeline to sleep.

She was quietly laying in the bedroom after I finished the phone call. I stood above her with tears in my eyes and she looked at me, her brows so expressive. She has these very wide, serious looks. "You know, Adeline Claire. Your great-grandmother loved you very much," I told her. I didn't know what else to say. I nursed her to sleep that night and thought of you, Claire. You had four children, just like my own mother. How you must have loved each of them, the way I love Adeline.


Motherly love is so scary in some ways. It feels so deeply one sided sometimes. You love this small creature so much, so so much more than anything you have ever loved or will love again. And you grow them inside you and you raise them, and you love them only to send them into the world... away from you.  To give them to the world. You send them to love others.


Claire, I did not know you. But I know how my husband loved you. It is why we named Adeline Claire in honor of you. I have said your name a thousand times or more in French, before I even knew of you. In French, "claire" means bright, clear, luminous.

We went to Pfeiffer Beach yesterday after going to the Post Office. We received a package you sent to us before you passed. Inside the box was a card welcoming Adeline to your family with two bells from your collection enclosed. One was silver, for Talmon and I. The other was porcelain and covered in intricate pink and blue flowers, for Adeline. We let her listen to it and touch it once, very carefully. We will keep it for her, so that she can treasure it in her own home someday. The last gift was a stuffed bear for Adeline holding a pot of flowers and the message "You are Special."



It was an incredibly foggy day along the coast the day we picked up your package and we weren't sure we would be able to stand the cold at the beach. We drove down anyways. It was perfect. A warm ray of sun cut through the rock formations onto our blanket. The ocean was shades of slate grey, dark blue. The sky was turquoise and deep orange. We watched the sunset together and toasted you. Talmon said he was sure you sent us that afternoon. That special time together.


We set Adeline along the shore. She kissed and hugged the bear you sent her. Talmon told us stories about you. He answered all the questions I had about your life. We had a wonderful picnic. It was one of the best afternoons we have spent together as a family. Thank you for making that day for us. We know it was you, because the rest of Big Sur was covered in fog. But there we were. It was bright and clear.


I cannot change what is done. But Claire, I can make you this promise. I promise I will raise my daughter with the message you sent her. "You are special." I will tell her how you loved her. I promise her Papa will tell her stories about you. He already has. I will learn them myself and share them too. Because I know that stories that come from the lips of mothers are sacred. Your story will hold equal weight with the women of my family, I promise. I will always speak kindly and well of you. She will know she was named for  you. That you were luminous.

I know that you are reading this, somewhere. Thank you for loving my husband. Thank you for loving my girl.

Lillian